I haven't written in a while. A lot has been going on. I've been busy at work and at school. My job is expanding and I'm working on my MBA. Both are going well. I had just settled into my career and getting quite ambitious, when, TA-DAH, I'm pregnant! It shouldn't have come as a shock because we had been trying for almost 2 years, but I think mentally I had given up and had settled into the idea that we were a career-oriented couple.
Needless to say, I'm thrilled. But a bit scared at the same time. I'm going to be a mother. I can't get it to sink in yet. Even after seeing the tiny fuzz-like spec on the ultra-sound. Granted I am only 8 weeks along as I write this and all I have is a little bit of nausea to remind me that something is growing inside me. I have dubbed this tiny creature "the bean".
I have figured out that pregnancy sites and doctors do their best to put Fear into you. If the list of things I can't eat or drink gets any longer, then I will have to request a list of things that I CAN have! On the flip side, I have to make sure that I DO eat. Getting rid of the habit of eating only when when my stomach is crawling up my throat is a little difficult, but this bean inside me seems to be hungry all the time. The cruelest joke is that even though I'm hungry, the bean thinks it is funny to make everything taste sour. This is something I wasn't warned about.
Back to me being a mother. This is a totally foreign concept to me. I know I'm going to love my child and probably do everything I can for him/her. Heck, I even spoil my cats rotten. But I guess I have the same fears every new mother has. I don't want to end up screwing him/her up. Add that to the fact that I have been extremely self-centered for 36 years and I will need to learn to give up a bit of the spotlight.
Not that I'm totally selfish. I do tend to do more for others than for myself, but I have gotten into the habit of being totally spoiled by my hubby. I understand that my life is going to change once the bean is free of its tummy shaped cocoon. I think I'm more worried about how I'm going to handle the change. I don't want to be the type of mother who lets my child totally take over everything, but I don't want to be the type of mother that is so strict that the child rebels in college. I'm going to try to find a happy medium.
I'm just really glad that I had time to figure out who I am before I have to help another person grow and figure out who they are!
I can do it. I'm a positive, open-minded person. I will not screw this up.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
ASK!
I read Romance novels and I watch Romantic comedies. It isn't that I'm such a girlie-girl (maybe a little), but I think of it as research. I'm very interested in relationships. Especially romantic relationships. So, I'm usually more interested in the characters themselves. What makes them a good fit for each other? What are the obstacles? How do they get over them? Why don't they just say what they want and get it out there?!! It all feeds my fascination with how people interact with each other romantically.
The books I tend to read have strong, usually very flawed women and men. This makes them more real to me. I like to think of myself as a strong, albeit flawed woman. I know I'm flawed, but I work with it. And lucky for me, I found a man who actually likes my flaws in an odd way. I think I amuse him, which works for us.
I also like to observe people and this is what I've learned: people tend to try to blend. By this I mean that they will anticipate what the people around them want from them and they try to be/do that. One of the things they do to blend is to NOT say what is on their mind. How many times have we not told someone that we really want to be with them because we aren't sure they want to be with us and it is easier to go with the flow?
That question can be taken multiple ways. One way to take it is if you want someone to go somewhere with you but think that they would rather not go .... ASK! They may want to go just to be with you. Another way to take it is if you like someone and want to go out with them, but think they would reject you, they may be thinking the same thing about you... ASK!
I'm probably not the norm, but I like for people to be forward. If you want to kiss me, don't send me telepathic messages... kiss me! There are no regrets. If I turn you down, at least you got a kiss. If you want me to do something, ask me! I may say no, but you never know. A lot of the times I don't even know I want to do something until someone asks me! If the aunts at the beach house last week hadn't asked me to join them in the pool instead of assuming that I wouldn't (I hate being wet) I wouldn't have realized that it looked like fun and wouldn't have joined them. I'm glad they asked and that I did join them. Even though I got wet!
But I'm beginning to think that a lot of people think like me. After all, there is a very small percentage of people that are actually mind readers. Life would be so much easier if we said what we meant and let people know when we are interested. Rejection isn't so bad. They say no and you move on or become friends. It is better to know than to think you can read their mind.
Hubby and I danced around each other for years until we both figured out what we wanted and actually told each other!
My ex-husbands got the short end of the stick because I didn't communicate with them. I won't take full responsibility for our failed relationships, but I'm willing to take 50% of the blame. I wasn't truthful with my feelings. I didn't want to spend everyday with his friends. I didn't want to spend everyday sitting at home. I wanted him to go out with my friends occasionally. Having children really was important to me. I didn't like being yelled at and yelling gets no where with me. I was depressed. I didn't think that I needed a curfew. I'm not property. I wanted a partner, not a father. I should've said all these things to them before it all blew up.
I set all the ground rules before marrying Hubby 3. I told him how difficult I was. That I'm messy. That I'm protective of my money because I didn't have it for so long. That I like to take classes and have friends. That I want a partner, not a father. That I don't do well with yelling. That I want to be asked whether or not he thinks I want to do something. I want a choice. And he told me his issues. We communicate. We have been happily married for over 2 years now.
I don't know how this post turned into a rambling about my past relationships. My point is that I'm fascinated with relationships. What makes them work? What makes them fail? Why do some people love people who don't seem right for them? Is it chemical? Physical? Can we talk ourselves into/out of love?
I think I'm going to explore all these questions and more. Stay tuned.
The books I tend to read have strong, usually very flawed women and men. This makes them more real to me. I like to think of myself as a strong, albeit flawed woman. I know I'm flawed, but I work with it. And lucky for me, I found a man who actually likes my flaws in an odd way. I think I amuse him, which works for us.
I also like to observe people and this is what I've learned: people tend to try to blend. By this I mean that they will anticipate what the people around them want from them and they try to be/do that. One of the things they do to blend is to NOT say what is on their mind. How many times have we not told someone that we really want to be with them because we aren't sure they want to be with us and it is easier to go with the flow?
That question can be taken multiple ways. One way to take it is if you want someone to go somewhere with you but think that they would rather not go .... ASK! They may want to go just to be with you. Another way to take it is if you like someone and want to go out with them, but think they would reject you, they may be thinking the same thing about you... ASK!
I'm probably not the norm, but I like for people to be forward. If you want to kiss me, don't send me telepathic messages... kiss me! There are no regrets. If I turn you down, at least you got a kiss. If you want me to do something, ask me! I may say no, but you never know. A lot of the times I don't even know I want to do something until someone asks me! If the aunts at the beach house last week hadn't asked me to join them in the pool instead of assuming that I wouldn't (I hate being wet) I wouldn't have realized that it looked like fun and wouldn't have joined them. I'm glad they asked and that I did join them. Even though I got wet!
But I'm beginning to think that a lot of people think like me. After all, there is a very small percentage of people that are actually mind readers. Life would be so much easier if we said what we meant and let people know when we are interested. Rejection isn't so bad. They say no and you move on or become friends. It is better to know than to think you can read their mind.
Hubby and I danced around each other for years until we both figured out what we wanted and actually told each other!
My ex-husbands got the short end of the stick because I didn't communicate with them. I won't take full responsibility for our failed relationships, but I'm willing to take 50% of the blame. I wasn't truthful with my feelings. I didn't want to spend everyday with his friends. I didn't want to spend everyday sitting at home. I wanted him to go out with my friends occasionally. Having children really was important to me. I didn't like being yelled at and yelling gets no where with me. I was depressed. I didn't think that I needed a curfew. I'm not property. I wanted a partner, not a father. I should've said all these things to them before it all blew up.
I set all the ground rules before marrying Hubby 3. I told him how difficult I was. That I'm messy. That I'm protective of my money because I didn't have it for so long. That I like to take classes and have friends. That I want a partner, not a father. That I don't do well with yelling. That I want to be asked whether or not he thinks I want to do something. I want a choice. And he told me his issues. We communicate. We have been happily married for over 2 years now.
I don't know how this post turned into a rambling about my past relationships. My point is that I'm fascinated with relationships. What makes them work? What makes them fail? Why do some people love people who don't seem right for them? Is it chemical? Physical? Can we talk ourselves into/out of love?
I think I'm going to explore all these questions and more. Stay tuned.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Masks
I have a mask that I used to wear. I was too afraid to show my real self to anyone else. All that has changed.
But it has gotten me thinking about masks that people wear. Whether it is the mask of someone they want to be or a mask just to cover who they really are. And if they wear a mask, do they have many of them? How do we know which person is real?
Sometimes a beautiful mask can hide a horrible person. Sometimes a horrible mask hides a beautiful person. Do we become the person we project if we wear that mask most of the time? Can we become that person if we want to?
A glimpse of a person without their mask can sometimes be a wonderful thing. I feel special because I am the only one who gets to see what a wacky, fun, sexy person my hubby is, but at the same time I wish I could share that part of him with everyone.
A glimpse of a person without their mask can sometimes be a horrible thing. I lived with a man whose mask was honorable and caring. But when he took it off, he was a quite frightening.
Sometimes I "see" past the masks. And sometimes I wish I couldn't.
But it has gotten me thinking about masks that people wear. Whether it is the mask of someone they want to be or a mask just to cover who they really are. And if they wear a mask, do they have many of them? How do we know which person is real?
Sometimes a beautiful mask can hide a horrible person. Sometimes a horrible mask hides a beautiful person. Do we become the person we project if we wear that mask most of the time? Can we become that person if we want to?
A glimpse of a person without their mask can sometimes be a wonderful thing. I feel special because I am the only one who gets to see what a wacky, fun, sexy person my hubby is, but at the same time I wish I could share that part of him with everyone.
A glimpse of a person without their mask can sometimes be a horrible thing. I lived with a man whose mask was honorable and caring. But when he took it off, he was a quite frightening.
Sometimes I "see" past the masks. And sometimes I wish I couldn't.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Everyone Has One
Opinion. Everyone has one. Until recently I kept mine to myself. In fact, I wasn't really positive I knew what MY opinion was. I was so used to "fitting in."
I never rocked the boat and I kept my thoughts to myself. My own fault. I'm remedying it. I'm no longer the metamorph from Star Trek TNG.
So this will be a place for me to express my opinion and if someone doesn't like it, that is just fine with me. I'll consider this practice for the real world.
I never rocked the boat and I kept my thoughts to myself. My own fault. I'm remedying it. I'm no longer the metamorph from Star Trek TNG.
So this will be a place for me to express my opinion and if someone doesn't like it, that is just fine with me. I'll consider this practice for the real world.
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